


Resurrecting the Past

by Bellajewels



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-26
Updated: 2015-12-02
Packaged: 2018-04-01 07:11:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4010653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bellajewels/pseuds/Bellajewels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emma Nolan and Killian Jones were high school sweethearts. Childhood sweethearts really. But when something traumatic happened their senior year of high school they were ripped apart. Now ten years later they see each other again at their high school reunion. Can they move past their past? And when it comes back in a very real way how will they deal with all it brings up?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

She felt like she couldn't breathe. Her heart beat picked up and she felt as though her legs were going to come out from underneath her. This was Emma Nolan's clue from her body that it was time to lower the speed on the treadmill and start to cool down from her workout. As she did everyday at this point she opened her e-mail on her tablet and perused the mail as she started the cooling down process. "Spam, spam,... high school reunion?" She clicked the e-mail sent from the Storybrooke Alumni e-mail and skimmed the contents. Dear Ms. Nolan, We are pleased to inform you that it is time for the reunion of the class of 2005. We look forward to seeing you again. Sincerely, The Storybrooke Alumni. There was a link at the bottom of the e-mail that led her to a page dedicated to the reunion. While she checked her e-mail daily she was suprised that this one had slipped past her. She looked over the page and noticed that there was a list of former classmates that were going to be attending. Not surprisingly her twin brother David and his wife Mary Margaret were at the top of the list. She thought about continuing to look through the list but at that moment her friend Ariel walked in. She had attended Storybrook High with Emma and their select group of friends, choosing to go to New York with Emma when she had decided to leave town after high school. Ariel had gotten a scholarship to Juliard for her singing talent and somehow all the pieces just fell into place. Ten years later and Ariel was performing on broadway in a successful adaption of The Little Mermaid and Emma was chasing her dreams as a, well she hadn't gotten that far but she was sure the time was coming. Going to New York had been a side effect of love gone wrong for her and things hadn't always fallen into place. Ariel had always been there for her though, helping her out during the rough patches. Currently she was working as a special effects artist on a TV show taking place in the New York Police Department. It was the start of her deciding what she wanted from her life. She had always had an interest in police work but she wasn't really interested in saving the world. As far as she could tell she wasn't really cut out to be anyone's saving grace. So instead she just did makeup. It was an intereresting profession "Hey Ariel. Did you get the e-mail about the high school reunion?" 

"Yeah, I did. Like two weeks ago. Did you just get it today?"

"I don't know. I haven't seen it in my inbox up to now but work has been busy so it's not completely out of the realm of possibility that I just overlooked it. Are you going?"

"Yeah. It'll be a good opportunity for me to get home and see my family. My sisters have been driving me nuts asking me to come home for a visit. They want to meet Eric and I know that Dad is looking for some kind of flaw that he can use to try to get me to think he's not good enough for me."

"Or maybe he'll love him. You don't know." Ariel smiled a half hearted smile as she climbed up on the treadmill next to Emma's. "So is he coming?"

"He who?"

"You know who. I saw the page on your tablet. You had to have been checking over the list to find out who was going."

"I was but I wasn't looking for anyone in particular."

"Okay. Keep telling yourself that." As Emma closed quickly out of the page on her tablet and gathered her things to go to the changing room Ariel put in her headphones, picked up speed on her treadmill, and smiled to herself as her friend huffed away. She knew Emma well. She wouldn't admit that she was hoping to see her high school boyfriend but Ariel knew that it was all she wanted from the reunion and after all these years she hoped that she got it.

 

 

Killian Jones stood at his mailbox shuffling through the mail. As always there was more junk mail than anything else. It seemed like every day he was inundated with fliers and bulletins and post cards. He was about to toss everything into the garbage when he saw a letter with the stamp from Storybrooke High on it. He dropped everytthing else into the garbage and ripped open the letter. Dear Mr. Jones, We are pleased to inform you that it is time for the reunion of the class of 2005. We look forward to seeing you again. Sincerely, The Storybrooke Alumni. After reading the short letter he ran his hand through his hair as his mind travelled back to his days at Storybrooke High. There was no doubt that they had been the best of his life. Due completely to her. The girl that got away. However as soon as his mind started wandering back to that time he stopped himself. There was no point in revisiting that relationship. As much as he had loved her, and thought she loved him, she was gone and dwelling on the what could have beens wouldn't change anything. He took the steps up to his third story walk up instead of the elevator, giving him time to think about the possibility that he held in his hands. Maybe he shouldn't go to the reunion. Maybe he should leave the past in the past but then her green eyes flashed across his memory and he knew that he couldn't miss the opportunity to see her again. Even if it went awful just to see who she had become would be everything for him. He opened the door to his apartment and found his roommate and friend, Robin, curled up on the couch with his girlfriend Regina. He couldn't say that he was particularly thrilled with his friends taste in girlfriend but it wasn't his love life so he never said anything. Instead he just tended to make himself scarce whenever she was around. "What do you have in your hand there Jones?" 

"A letter to our high school reunion. You going?"

"Oh yeah. Miss the chance to see all the guys from the team again? Not a chance." Robin had been the quintessential jock in high school and it was clear that he was eager to revisit the role. Life had turned out well for him but not as well as he'd wanted. He'd had a failed marriage to his high school sweetheart, Marian, resulting in their son Roland who she tended to keep from him. She wasn't really a fan of Regina either and often they butted heads over Robin allowing Regina to spend time around their son. Marian insisted that she was just looking out for the best interest of the child but seeing as Robin and Regina had been together for nearly four years it was doubtful that their relationship was temporary, as she often insisted. Robin did his best to be a present father to his son but more often than not he was relegated to the backburner in his own childs life, which created resentment towards his ex-wife. "What about you? You going?"

"I'm not sure completely yet but I think so. I mean it's basically just a road trip from here to Storybrooke so I can't see why not. Besides it would be good to see some of our old friends." He shrugged his shoulders as he made his way to his bedroom. There was no doubt that Robin knew the real reason why he wanted to go to the reunion but thankfully his friend stayed quiet. Regina didn't know anything about his high school girlfriend and he didn't want to get into the story now. The past was in the past. Even though he was going to be dredging it up very soon. When and if he saw her they would figure out what to do, if anything. In the meantime though it was still a month away until the reunion and he had a life to live in the meantime.

 

It was surprising how quickly the month passed and before she knew it Emma was standing in the guest bedroom at her brothers house getting ready for the reunion. He and his wife were moving about the house hurriedly, making arrangements with a babysitter for her little nephew James, and trying to get ready. This house was the same house that she had been raised in, although in an unconventional manner. Her and her twin David had been found on the steps of the fire station in baskets in the middle of town shortly after they were born. In their baskets were notes with their names, date of birth, and a plea from their mother to take care of her children and to keep them together. They had been placed into foster care right away but it was hard for them to find a long term family because most people only wanted one child. The courts had attempted to separate them a couple times but it never worked. David was a very protective older brother and he would fun away from his foster home to try and find her. He never actually managed to locate her but the behavior was enough to turn the foster family off and he would get moved to whever Emma was. Which was how they ended up in this house. This was the old group home that her and David had spent their time in when they weren't in foster homes. It had fallen into some disrepair and the state had shut it down, moving the group home to a more appropriate facility. David had been saving money since his early teens and when they were twenty he somehow managed to scrape together a down payment to buy the house. It had never been a home for them but it was the closest that they had every had. He wanted to keep that feeling of safety that he'd been provided in knowing that there was always the group home to go back to and he wanted to make sure that Emma always had a safe place to call home. She had spent far too much time feeling as though she didn't belong to anything and if there was any way for him to fix that he would. Even though they were twins he had always been more than just a big brother. He had been her protector. She didn't even want to imagine what her life would have been like if it had just been her left on the steps of that old fire station. Now even an orphan like her had a childhood home to go back to, albeit not of the normal variety. Her eyes lifted to the mirror and she took in her appearance. She was wearing a black off the shoulder dress with a sweetheart neckline and cap sleeves that was fitted to her waist and the flared out to her knees. Her blond hair was styled in loose curls with the sides pulled back. It was, in her opinion, the perfect mix of formal and casual. If he was there she didn't want to run the risk that he would think she was dressing up for him. But she also didn't want to not look good on the off chance she saw him. She was completely unsure how she would feel about about seeing him again after all these year. There had been men since him of course. There had been Neal, whom she had believed she loved, and there had been Graham. Still she had held something back from both of them. She had only given her whole heart once and she was about to see the boy, now man, that she had given it to for the first time in ten years. At least she thought she was. She never checked the list of people planning on attending and even now she couldn't decide which outcome she wanted. Him coming or him not coming.

 

Killian tried to pretend that he wasn't putting way more attention into his appearance than he normally would but once the half hour mark passed and he still hadn't completely decided what to wear. He had run the gamut from jeans and a nice sweater to a full suit. He probably would have spent another hour searching for clothes if he didn't hear Robin shuffling around in the next room. "Killian, are you about ready? We have to be there in half an hour. You cannot seriously still be getting ready. You're a guy."

"Haha Robin. I may be a guy but I still want to look good. Not all of us have the label of high school start athlete to fall back on."

"You were an athlete as well Killian."

"You know as well as I do that they did not look at soccer players the way that they looked at the football and baseball players."

"Don't forget basketball."

"Right. How could I forget? I'll be out in ten minutes. He looked through his closet and finally settled on a pair of black jeans with a white belt, a white button up shirt, a black slim fit v-neck button down vest and a black and white striped skinny tie. After putting the outfit on he grabbed his fathers compass that he carried everywhere and put it in the small pocket near the bottom of his vest and rolled his cuffs to just below the elbow. He glanced at himself again in the mirror and was pleased with what he saw. Ten years had aged him of course but not in a negative way. He knew that the boyish angles of his face had over the years turned into a chiseled jawline. He tried not to think about his appearance too much but he wasn't blind to the reaction of women. He knew that they considered him to be at least fairly attractive. He slipped on a pair of black dress motorcycle boots and grabbed his wallet before leaving the room. Regina was standing in the living room in a red dress next to Robin, who had dressed to the nines as well. "Well, well look at you Killian. If I didn't know better I'd say that you were dressed to impress. Is there a girl that you're hoping to see after all this time." He bristled at the comment, all too aware that she was closer to the truth than he would like to admit. If he didn't believe with everything in him that she was going to be there he would have dressed in his normal jeans and a nice sweater. Just knowing that she was goign to be in the same space as him though changed everything. There wasn't a part of him that wasn't conflicted. He wanted to go back in time, to right the wrongs that had torn them apart but that was impossible. He knew that she may not want to see him. Worse yet she could have the life that he'd always envisioned them having together with someone else but he couldn't resist. The pull of her was too strong. He had to know what life had been for her. If all the dreams she had for herself had come true. He knew that his dreams for himself had been forever altered by losing her. The life filled with love and family that he'd dreamt of was gone and he found himself now living the bachelors life. Watching his friends get married and have children of their own. There was no resentment. Just a sharp pain at the memory that at one time he had believed that would be them. "There's many girls that I hope to see. I had good times with a lot of my old classmates." Robin didn't waste a second before he helped Regina with her coat, clearly wanting to end Killian's discomfort. "Ready to go there mate?"

"Lead the way." 


	2. Chapter 2

      By the time that they got there the music was already pumping and the party was well on the way. The alumni had spared no expense and had managed to secure the Sorcerers Manor, a mansion with a great view of the town from nearly every angle. It had belonged to a wealthy, but reclusive, man when they had been in school and he had donated it to the city when he passed away. Since then the city tended to use it for big events that would draw in large crowds. Killian walked in and without even thinking about it he scanned the room hoping to see her. His gaze fell on many people he knew, some he didn't, and finally settled on the bar. She wasn't there. It felt as though the air had been let out of the room. The whole purpose of coming to this was to see her and now he wasn't going to. He made his way toward the bar and set himself down on the first stool, immediately looking for the bartender. "What can I get you sir?"

"Rum. Straight. No chaser." The bartender grabbed a shot glass from below the bar and the rum that was sitting on the counter. As he poured he looked at the young man in front of him. Clearly this was the last place that he wanted to be tonight. "If this was going to be so awful why did you come?"

"Excuse me?"

"You don't exactly look like you're ready to party with old friends."

"I was hoping to see a particular person but it appears she's not here." After downing a second shot Killian turned back to the room and watched his fellow classmates. Across the room Aurora was dancing with her husband Philip, her pregnant belly getting in the way of any real graceful movement. A group of former classmates sat at a table near the glass wall of windows, talking and looking out over the town. Robin and Regina were standining in the center of a large group, clearly enjoying Robin's reclaiming of his big man on campus status from high school. His eyes darted to the door at the exact moment it opened. The first to come in was David Nolan with a woman that he didn't recognize. He had heard somewhere that David had married so he assumed that the woman was his wife. Just behind them she walked in. Long legs and a black dress and the eyes that had haunted his dreams since they were children. She was here. He was going to get a chance to speak to her. His heartbeat picked up as he stared across the room. Her eyes lifted and when they locked on his the rest of the room faded to black.

 

He was the first person she saw when she walked in the room. It was like his eyes were a magnet for her. She was drawn to him in a way that she couldn't describe. She tore his eyes away from him and glanced at David and Mary Margaret walking in front of her. He had noticed him too. There was no doubt. David and Killian had been great friends back when they were all in school. He was how they'd met as pre-teens. David had been in his science class and was assigned to be his partner for dissections. Years later she had been amused to learn that Killian, who always had kind of portrayed himself as a bit of a tough guy, had nearly passed out with the first incision into the frog. Within a few days of being paired up in science they were practically attached at the hip and David had him over to the foster home they were in at the time. Even at twelve years old Emma had been drawn to him. There was just something about his piercing blue eyes that made her want to be his friend. Now those eyes were once again drawing her back in. Looking at her brother though she knew that it was hard for him to see his former friend. They hadn't parted on bad terms. They had fall away from each other as a result of her and Killian ending their relationship. For a while David tried to maintain the friendship but it was too hard. So when it came down to choosing between his sister and his friend he had chosen his sister. Every once in a while she couldn't help but wonder if he didn't resent her for it a little bit. He wasn't lacking in friends, especially now that he was married to Mary Margaret, but he had never gotten close to someone like he had been with Killian. "David, you can go say hello."

"I don't think it's me that he's interested in saying hello to little sister." She shuffled her feet awkwardly, knowing it was true. From the moment she made her mind up to come she knew that if she came she was coming to see him. She suspected that it was the same for him. The way that he had looked at her when she walked in was like he was a man dying of thirst in the desert and he had just spotted water. "I'm afraid."

"Of Killian?"

"Of the can of worms we might be opening. Maybe it was better. Never seeing each other. Just getting on with our lives."

"Maybe it was, and I don't know what life looks like for him right now. But I do know what life looks like for you. You can't keep living in this perpetual hold. I think you need to see him and talk to him and find some kind of closure. If you don't then I'm really worried for you.” It seemed like an odd place for her brother to finally come clean about how he felt about her relationship with Killian but maybe he'd never told her before because she had never really allowed it. She always changed the subject whenever Killian was brought up. “Go little sister. Talk to him.” She bit her bottom lip and looked back in his direction. To his credit he was no longer staring at her but she could tell by his body language that she still had his attention. She took a deep breath and then took a step in his direction.

 

He felt her approaching more than saw her. Her presence sent a spark up his back that he hadn't felt in years. Even when they were very young he was drawn to her, almost inexplicably. He had been friends with David but for years he harbored the secret that he believed himself to be in love with David's younger sister. Of course he realized later, when he really was in love with her, that it had just been the infatuation of a boy. Her heels clicked behind him and came to a stop just before he heard her soft voice. “Killian?” He turned and felt like he had been sucker punched. He had seen her come in, and he never doubted that she was beautiful, but being near her again took his breath away. She was close enough to touch, yet he knew that reaching out to touch her would be a bad idea. “Emma, how are you?”

“I'm well. Yourself?”

“Same.” The conversation stilled, awkward and heavy laden with the separation of the years. He absentmindedly itched a spot on his neck just below his ear looking anywhere but at her. Which was why he was surprised when he heard her laugh. “Something funny?”

“Yeah, I just, you still do that.”

“Do what?”

“When we were young you used to scratch that spot behind your ear. It's your tell. When you're uncomfortable. You've always done it.” As soon as she spoke a blush rose up her cheeks as she realized how much she had just revealed. That after all these years she still knew his quirks and how he moved. Time hadn't erased those things from her. “I suppose you're right.” He smiled, although slightly forced, fraught with the tension of trying to think of something to say. He didn't want her to leave. He didn't want to waste the opportunity to reconnect with her but here with her standing right in front of him he was at a loss for words. “Well it was good to see you Killian.” She turned to leave, wondering what she'd been thinking coming over to talk to him, but he reached out and grabbed her arm. “Emma, don't go. Let me get you a drink.” He looked over at the bartender and said, “White wine please.” In moments the drink was in her hand and he was once again wondering what to say to keep her from leaving. “Would you like to take a walk outside?” She bit the corner of her bottom lip, like he knew she did when she was contemplating a decision before nodding her head. Once outside, in the massive gardens that had been built outside the mansion, they walked quietly for a bit. “So Emma are you married?”

“No. You?”

“No. Ever been?”

“No. It appears to have not been in the cards for me. Have you been married then?”

“Yeah, briefly.”

“What happened?”  
“What ever happens. It's different than the way it appears in the movies. My ex-wife and I just weren't a match. I think I was trying to force something that wasn't there. She was a good woman. She just wasn't the one for me.” She nodded and looked back over the gardens. She never imagined that it would be this awkward to see him again. When they were young it all just came so naturally. She had fallen in with him and David seamlessly back when they were kids. From the moment she met Killian though she felt like there was something between them. Something different and unexplainable. It was odd that now their was this distance between them that they were struggling to get over. “This is really awkward isn't it Em?”

“Yeah. It is and I don't get why.”

“It's been a long time. We haven't seen each other.”

“Maybe just go our own way then?” He hesitated before speaking up quietly. “I don't want that. I'm not ready for that yet.” In an instant she felt like she flew back in time and landed at the moment that everything had changed.

 

2005

 

“Emma, Killian is here.”

“Thanks David.” She walked out and saw her boyfriend standing on the porch. She longed for the time when she felt like she could just leap into his arms and stay there. Those days were gone though and she walked over to the far edge of the concrete porch, leaving him standing at the top of the steps. “Hey.”

“Hey Em.” He looked at her, beautiful and strong, and felt his heart constricting. For some reason this moment felt important, even though he didn't know why yet. “Killian, I think we need to talk.” He nodded and she continued. “I'm going to New York. I'm moving.” He took a moment to process but didn't feel like it was the end of the world. He would go with her. They would live their together and build a life. A life that they couldn't live here in this place. He knew that. They would never be able to make it work here. “I think that's a good idea. New York will give us a fresh start. I know it's been hard lately Em but we can make it right. “

“That's not what I said Killian. I said I am moving to New York. Not us.” He didn't know what to do. He was terrified to continue, dreading where he now felt she was going with this conversation. Yet he couldn't stop himself from asking the words. “What do you mean you're moving?”

“I can't do this anymore. It's too much. There's too many memories.”

“That's why it's good that we go. We can start over fresh. Without all the memories.”

“But you're a part of them. You're so much a part of them and I cant. I just can't. It's too much. I think it's best we just go our own ways.” He was quiet for a moment feeling like his legs had just been kicked out from underneath him. She was his son and his moon. They'd been having their problems but he never thought that it would lead to the end. The end was something he had never considered. “Is that what you want Emma? To be over?”

“I don't know what I want but I know that this hurts. The way that this has been and we both deserve something different. Something that doesn't hurt so much. Love isn't supposed to hurt.”

“Who says? Emma I don't want this. I'm not ready for this to end.” She hesitated before looking down and for the first time he saw the tears that had spilled over onto her cheeks. Her eyes were red rimmed and he saw clearly that this seemed to hurt her as much as it hurt him. Emboldened by the realization that she was struggling with this decision he walked over to her and wiped a tear off her cheek with the pad of his thumb. He dropped his voice down to a whisper and set his forehead against hers. Without prompting her arms came up around his neck, hands settling in his hair. “Emma stay. Or let me come. Please don't leave me.” She kissed him lightly, her tears falling freely now, before moving her hands to his shoulders and pushing herself away. She walked to the door and turned back to him. Her voice choked as she said, “I will always love but I have to go. And you have to stay. It's how it has to be.” She nodded her head as though she were trying to convince herself and then walked into the house, closing the door behind her. 


	3. Chapter 3

Present Day

 

Emma stood in front of Killian debating whether to leave or not. Being near him right now felt like a weight was bearing down on her but she couldn't get her feet to listen to her brain telling her to leave. He had asked her to stay. The conversation was stilted and uncomfortable but he had asked her to stay. She often thought about how different her life might have been if she hadn't left for New York when he asked her to stay before. If she had opted to stay instead of run. Running was all she had ever known to do though. Her and David had been shuffled from home to home and even if they hadn't run away she had learned to keep her emotions on the run. Until Killian that it. He had changed everything. Falling in love with him had been natural. It had been easy. It had happened so quickly that when she did fall for him it felt like she had always been in love with him. Now she knew that it was true. It had been true then and as much as she wanted to run from it again it was true now. Years had passed, they had both had other relationships, they hadn't seen each other for years, and yet standing here in this place she knew that she had never gotten over him. He had been a part of every day. So she stood there, quiet, unable to move away from him again. “Does you still being here mean that we have a chance to talk?”

“I suppose it does.” He smiled that awkward smile he had and tentatively reached out to touch her hand. “You won't regret it Emma.” He looked so eager, so determined. She remembered that face. The one that told her that he he would do anything necessary to make her happy. She remembered that face from her sixteenth birthday when she had come down with a really nasty strain of the flu and had to cancel her party. He had worn this determined face when she tried to stop him from coming in, so that he didn't get sick, because he was going to spend every minute of her sixteenth birthday with her whether she was sick or not. He had spent that day getting her ginger-ale, holding her hair back while she threw up, and holding her while she lay there in agony. He hadn't complained once. She loved this determined face. “So do you want to go back in to the reunion? See everyone?”

“If that's what you want. But I didn't come to see everyone Emma. I came to find out about you. To see how life had been to you. That's all I really cared about.” She nodded as she led them back towards the mansion, but stopped on the veranda. White fairy lights were strewn throughout the trees and tiki torches were lit, creating a candlelit glow across the night sky. There was a patio table there, just outside the french doors that led back inside. Without a word she closed the doors, isolating her and Killian outside. She had only come for him as well. As she prepared to come she told herself that she wanted to catch up with all her old friends and that seeing Killian would just be a bonus. Now she knew that he had been her sole reason for coming. She could see her other friends another time. There would be other reunions, and it's not like Storybrooke was all that hard to get back home to. For this time though she just wanted to revisit the past and to find out if the present was salvageable. She had spent years thinking about what it might mean to see him again and finally she had the chance. They sat at the patio and were again quiet for a few minutes. The quiet was different though. It wasn't the awkward silence from before. Instead it was replaced with a comfortable silence, a reflective silence. A silence that spoke to where they had been and a quiet hope for what could be. Eventually though the silence had to be broken and each of them waited to find out who would be the one to break it. “Where do you live now Emma?”

“I live in the heart of Manhattan.”

“That's got to be exciting.”

“I suppose it can be. After all these years its basically just life though. I didn't really have big dreams when I moved there. I was just running but I did eventually learn to love it. What about you?”

“I live in here in Maine. Bar Harbor area with Robin. Although sometimes it feels more like I live with Robin and Regina.”

“I remember Robin from high school but I don't recall a Regina. Who's she? I thought I had heard that he'd married Marian.”

“He did. They divorced about three years ago. Shortly after their son was born.”

“That's too bad. I can't imagine that was an easy decision to make.”

“It wasn't and sometimes I'm not sure it was the right decision to make. But he seems happy enough with Regina.”

“How did they meet?”

“They met at a bar. He and Marian had just separated and she had just lost her fiance in Iraq. I honestly don't know how they ended up talking because neither one of them were really in the state of mind to be looking for a relationship. But they did and they've been together ever since.”

“Why do you say that you're not sure it was the right decision for Marian and Robin to split up. Especially if he's happy with Regina.”

“Things have been hard for him since their divorce. Robin wanted it more than Marian and she's not made it easy on him. She has a tendency to use the child as a way to punish him for leaving. Sometimes I think that it would have just been better if Robin had tried harder to preserve his marriage. Instead he met Regina and he kind of just gave up on the marriage.”

“That does sound like a difficult situation.”

“Yeah. Enough about Robin though. What are you doing for a living now?”

“Special effects makeup on a TV show.”

“Wow. That's impressive.”

“Not really but it's a job. What about you?”

“I work at an ocean conservancy corporation. We do a lot of wildlife rescue and events to raise money to protect the marine life.” The corner of her mouth turned up as she remembered how much he had loved the marine life when they were young. Whenever they went to the zoo she would have to practically drag him out of the aquarium because he could spend hours in there. He was endlessly fascinated by the aquatic life. She had known even then that he would working somewhere in that arena. All these years she had pictured him by the sea and she had been right. “Emma, why did you go?”

“You know why.”

“I mean I know what was going on with us but I don't get why you wouldn't let me come with you.”

“I just couldn't. I felt like it was all just too much and I needed to start over. You and I were always on fire. Burning out of control. It was amazing. Until we got burnt.”

“But we were making it.” She saw the pleading in her eyes and not for the first time found herself ashamed of the cowardice she had exhibited by leaving him. She couldn't pretend that it wasn't completely selfish. His love had been overwhelming because she couldn't love herself. “We haven't seen each other in ten years. Why do we have to go back there?”

“Because we never left. Sometimes I feel like I've been ten years on that porch wondering why you left and when you were coming back.” As she looked into his eyes she couldn't resist reaching out and caressing his cheek. It had been too long since she'd really touched him. Too many years. Her fingers itched for his skin. “I'm here Killlian. I'm right in front of you.”

“This is a weekend Emma. Then you're back to New York. You're here but I'm just counting down until you're gone again.” She wanted to say that she'd stay. That this was all she needed. That she didn't want to spend another day away from him for the rest of her life. She wanted to say it all but the words wouldn't come. The reasons she had left were still there, lingering in the back of her mind. Fear ate at her and stopped her from giving in to the desire to pick up where they had left off. She longed for the beginning again. Back when it was all new and there wasn't ten years of heartbreak in her wake.

 

 

 

2002

 

The heat was incessant on the last day of her freshman year at Storybrooke High. As soon as the school day was done she was headed straight for her foster home to change into summer clothes, which meant a bikini top and a pair of cut off jean shorts. She finally felt comfortable in her teenage body. At fifteen she had moved out of the awkward and gawky years. Her curves had developed nicely and she found that it didn't take much to draw attention from the guys at school. All except for the one that she wanted to get attention from. She watched Killian every day. Always surrounded and always adored. He and David were still best friends so she saw him more than pretty much anyone else. The girls at school threw themselves at him but they had no idea who he was. They had no clue that he and David had almost nightly belching contests and that he had the dirtiest mind ever. He played sweet and unassuming well but behind all that was a very dry wit and a sense of humor that she hadn't expected. The girls that gathered around him at any given moment didn't know that though. Didn't care honestly. They were distracted by his perfectly styled hair and mesmerizing blue eyes. Not to mention the way that his jeans fit him to perfection. She looked at herself in the mirror and had to admit that her jeans fit her to perfection as well. She had turned heads of course but she didn't care. She wasn't interested in any of the boys at school who thought that she was only worth pursuing now that she had grown into herself. “David, I'm going down to the lake. I'm going to meet a few friends there.” He came out of his bedroom and looked at her disapprovingly. “Not wearing that you're not.”

“It's a bathing suit. You know the things you wear when you go to the beach?”

“Well the shorts are a little short and can't you put a top on until you get there?”

“Not my Dad dude. But I appreciate the concern.” At that moment her friend Ruby, who was two years older and had a car, arrived and she ran out to meet her throwing David a backward glance as she left. He knew that he was overprotective because they were the only family they had but sometimes it was difficult to have him always playing the father. She wished that he could just be her older brother.

 

The beach was crowded when they got her but it didn't take any more than a minute for Emma to spot Killian. He was sitting at the end of a dock in a pair of board shorts that looked sinfully good on him next to Tink Bell. That wasn't her real name but at some point she had gotten the nickname Tink and it stuck. From a distance she watched as Tink very clearly hit on Killian. She was leaning into him and every so often she would inch just a bit closer. “If you want him Emma why don't you just make your move?”

“What are you talking about Ruby?”

“You've been staring at him since we got here. There's dozens of hot guys here, and I've noticed several of them notice you. But you haven't looked at anyone except Killian Jones. So why don't you go make your move?”

“Killian is a friend. I'm only watching because I don't think Tink is a good fit for him. She's just way to available.”

“You'd have a problem with any girl that made a move on him and you know it.”

“That's not...”

“True? Yes it is. Methinks the lady doth protest too much.” Emma smiled at her friend and turned back to look at Killian. She could tell by his body language that now he was uncomfortable with Tink's attention, which was growing more bold as he hadn't responded to her advances yet. His back was stiff and he could see that he was trying to subtly lean away from Tink, without being rude. She walked down the dock and stood behind him. “Hey Killian.” He looked up and his piercing blue eyes locked on her. They filled with warmth and something that she hadn't seen there before. “Hey Emma. I didn't expect to see you out here today. At least not without Dave.”

“I had to leave dear old Dad back at the house. I needed a break.” She said it with a smile but Killian knew that there was something behind it. He watched David and Emma's relationship and he often found that David was way more overprotective than necessary. Dave had told him enough about their past though that he completely understood the instinct he had to protect his little sister. “Tink, could you excuse us? I'd like to talk to Emma for a bit.” Killian asked Tink but he barely took his eyes off Emma. She was sure that it was in part to help Tink get the point that he wasn't interested but right from the moment that he'd seen her there'd been something different with him. Her heart beat a little faster at the thought that he might feel something for her but she tried to brush it off. He was her brothers friend. How could she expect him to see her as anything but David's little sister? He probably wanted to talk to her about the comment she'd made about David. Maybe he wanted to check on her. Her heart sunk at the notion that perhaps he saw her as a little sister as well. Tink threw her a dirty look as she got up and walked away from the docks. Emma didn't pay her any mind though as she sat next down to Killian at the end of the dock. There feet dangled in the water, making tiny ripples that she watched move out across the lake. The silence was comfortable and put her at ease. Despite her feelings for Killian she never felt like she couldn't be exactly who she was around him. If she were anyone except exactly who she was he would know since he knew her so well. As well as she knew him at least. “So what did you want to talk to me about Jones?”

“Nothing much. Mainly just wanted to get rid of Tink. She was not exactly subtle with her intentions.” Her face scrunched a bit as she chuckled and said, “Yeah, I saw that.” Quiet surrounded them again until he turned to look at her. “Do you ever think about us Emma?”

“Um...I guess I don't really know what you mean. Think about us in what way?”

“Like as more than just friends. Like what it would be like if we were together?” She was taken aback by the question. It was everything that she had hoped for but even now she had a hard time believing that he could be asking what she hoped he was asking. “I guess I've thought about it. What are you asking me Killian?”

“Well I'm a little bit older than you.”

“Only a few months. You don't seem to have any issues with being friends with my twin brother.”

“Your brother is my best friend.”

“And...?”

“I guess I just wondered if maybe you might want to go out with me sometime.” Her heart beat picked up speed but she worked to keep herself appearing calm. She had been dreaming about this since her thirteenth birthday and now it was finally happening. Killian Jones was asking her out. She tried to remain calm but the smile that spread across her face gave away the excitement she felt at his question. “You want me to go out with you?”

“Yeah.” He looked so scared, so nervous. She had never imagined that she could make him feel this way. This is a guy that had spent hours in her house playing video games with her brother, ordering her around like she was a servant girl and now he was indicating that he was interested in her as more than just a friend. “Then yeah, I'd like that.” Both of them turned their eyes to the water, unsure how to behave in the wake of their arranged date. She kicked her feet in the water and reached down to run her hands through it. As she pulled her hand out she grinned and then splashed water in Killian's direction. He was completely absorbed in watching someone on a jet ski and didn't even see it coming. He jumped up and laughed wiping the water droplets off his body. “You are going to pay for that.” She laughed as she sprung from her spot on the dock but didn't make it more than a step or two before she felt his strong arms come around her waist. “You better hold your breathe because you're going in.”

“No, Killian, don't.” She could barely force her words out because she was laughing so hard and kicking her leg in an effort to get away from him. The attempts to get away were halfhearted though and they both knew it. He threw her into the water and a moment later she came up sputtering while continuing to laugh. “Are you just going to stand there Jones? I mean you just threw a helpless woman into the water.”

“You Miss Nolan are not and have never been helpless. But no, I have no intention of just standing here.” He jumped into the water by her and came gliding out, perfectly graceful. She couldn't help but wonder if she looked like a drowned rat next to him. He swam up to her and grabbed her around the waist, preparing to throw her. Instead she turned around in his arms and looked into his eyes. Those blues eyes that she had spent countless nights dreaming about. “I've wanted this Killian. I tried to play it cool earlier but this is what I've wanted.”

“For how long?”

“For always. From the first moment. It was always you.” She felt completely exposed, laying her heart on the line. She had never been very open with her feelings but for some reason she wanted him to know exactly how she felt. She watched as a smile stretched across his face, his handsome face made even more handsome by the laughter in his eyes. “I'm glad. I just regret that I waited this long to tell you.”

“What do you mean? This isn't new for you?”

“No. Not even a little bit. It's always been you Emma. That's why you've never seen me flirt with any of the other girls. I always knew that it was going to be you. I guess I just felt like I had to wait for the right time.”

“And this is that time.”

“Yeah, I think it is.” They both smiled, her arms wrapped around his neck, and his eyes staring into hers. They wanted to kiss but each moved away. They wanted to save that. To relish it. Even though they were only fifteen both felt that there was something different about this relationship. Something that gave them peace in the knowledge that they would have all the time in the world. 


	4. Chapter 4

 

Present Day:

Despite the fact that their time together was sure to have an expiration date she couldn't find it in her to leave. The reasons she had left were still there but so were all the reasons that she loved him in the first place. They left the reunion early. No one was surprised to see them leaving hand in hand. For some it was as though the reunion had been planned with the sole purposed of bringing them back together. David especially felt like it was time that the matter was dealt with. Emma hadn't been the only one to lose something when she left. He lost his best friend. For a while he lost his sister. Now though he felt as though he had the chance to get them both back. He hoped that Emma's flight instinct wouldn't kick in but he knew that getting her to stay was going to be the challenge of Killian's life. They went to a local diner, Granny's. When they were younger they had spent much of their time there. As friends they would sit on opposite sides of the booth, talking and laughing. When they became more they sat next to each other, his arm around the back of the booth and her hand on his thigh. Now they were back on opposite of the table but her hand joined with his. Her fingers intertwined with his as though it was as natural as breathing. In part because it was. “So ocean conservancy huh? I guess I should have expected that. Although I guess all these years I've pictured you out on the water.”

“I go out sailing a lot. Whenever I get the chance. I love it out there. That's why I didn't want to make it my career. I never wanted to stop getting a thrill when I got out onto the water.” He stopped and looked at her for a moment, an idea forming in his mind. “Why don't you come out sailing with me tomorrow? When do you have to be back to New York?”

“I have a few days off. My work isn't always the most consistent. I could probably call my boss and see about staying in town for a week.” He knew what she was giving him. A week to go back in time. No promises. No guarantees. Just a week where they could remember what it was like to love each other. As though he had forgotten. As though it wasn't a part of every breathe that he took. He hadn't told her earlier but it was part of the reason that his marriage had ended. No matter how much his ex tried she could never be what Emma was to him. Eventually she got tired of trying and gave up. He couldn't blame her. Not even a little bit. The final nail in the coffin of his marriage was that when she told him she was leaving he couldn't come up with a good reason for stopping her. He didn't ask her to stay. He didn't try and convince her that he loved her and only her. When it had been Emma leaving he had tried everything. The fact that he couldn't muster up even a fraction of that for his wife was enough to make him believe that her decision to leave was the right one. For the briefest second he felt anger bubble up to the surface at the fact that she was dangling time with her in front of him like he had been the one to leave. Like he had been the one to break his heart and now she was allowing him to rectify the situation. It was not him that had to apologize. No matter how difficult things had gotten he had been the one willing to stay and work it out. Just as quickly as the anger came though he pushed it aside. The time for that had passed. And there had been a time for that. Despite only being nineteen he had gone through a period of time after she left where he could barely function through the haze of alcohol he lived in. Now he didn't even remember how he had gotten the alcohol but then it hadn't mattered. He would have done anything to not feel the debilitating pain of her leaving. Early on he occasionally got updated about her from David. Then at some point he had stopped asking. He couldn't anymore. After a while he found a way to put the alcohol down and get on with the business of living although he felt as though he was living without a limb. “Killian?”

“Hmm...?”

“Where were you?” She squeezed his hand and leveled her gaze with his, seeing into his soul the way that he had always done. “I'm here.”  
“You were so not here.”

“I was thinking about when you left.” She grew quiet and he felt her start to pull her hand back, breaking the contact between them. Following her move from before he squeezed her hand. “Emma, the past happened. I can't pretend like it didn't.”

“Does it have to be the focus? If I can be here a week are we going to be constantly back there?”

“Not constantly no. But I can't say never.” His honesty took her aback. As much as it pained her to admit it when they were younger she was able to get him to bend to her will pretty easily. He loved her and she knew it. Sometimes she used it. Now to realize that the trick wouldn't work anymore took her by surprise. She hadn't been trying to manipulate him by pulling back. At least not intentionally. Still she knew that that move would let him know what her boundaries were. Where she was willing to and where she wasn't. The past was someplace she didn't want to revisit. “Emma I still care about you and I want to spend the next week with you. I still want to spend the next sixty years with you. The same way that I did then. But you hurt me then and I am not going to sit over here and pretend like you didn't. You have abandonment issues and I completely understand that. In our case though I was not the one who did the abandoning.” The words took the air from her lungs and she felt as though she had been hit. She took her hand from his fully before standing and throwing a ten dollar bill on the table and walking out the door.

 

He stayed behind for just a few minutes. Long enough to let her gather her thoughts but not long enough for her to get far away. Even as he said them he knew the words would hurt her but he couldn't make himself care. She knew when she walked away from him that day that she would hurt him but she didn't care. All that mattered was preserving herself and for the first time he understood the instinct. Standing in front of her there was a battle being waged inside of him. Initially when he came he just wanted to see her. To talk to her. To reconnect with her. But now there was something else. He wanted to all that but part of him wanted to hurt her like she had hurt him. Still nothing had prepared her for the look that passed across her face as he lashed out at her. She had looked like he had struck her. In some ways he had. He threw at a twenty down on the table, not caring that the bill had been little more than ten dollars and he was leaving an almost two hundred percent tip, and ran out the door. He caught sight of her just as she was rounding the corner. She was heading to the docks. He had no doubt about that. It's where she had always gone from the time they were kids. Sure enough he found her, shoes off and her feet dangling in the water. “Not a great job hiding Emma.”

“Maybe I wasn't really hiding.” He pulled his shoes and socks off, rolled up his pant legs as far as he could, and sat next to her. Despite their disagreement the quiet wasn't uncomfortable. He couldn't count the number of times they had sat like this. Including the time that changed everything.

 

2004

 

They sat side by side on the docks. Her long, tanned legs moved in the water. She had tears on her face but she hadn't told him why yet. He didn't want to pry. Instead he just sat beside her quietly, waiting. After ten minute he couldn't hold back anymore. “Em, what's wrong? You have to tell me. You're not moving are you?” She shook her head, sniffing back her tears. “Seriously babe. Just tell me.” He watched an array of emotions rush over her face. The most prominent through was one he recognized on her face. Fear. “Em, you're starting to scare me.”

“I'm pregnant.” He wanted to react like the ideal movie guy. Everything in him wanted to take her in his arms and tell her that it would be okay. That they would get married and have the baby and everything would be perfect. He didn't though. Instead he sat by her side and stared out at the ripples in the water. He wished for a moment that he didn't ask but then remembered that she had been silently bearing the pain alone. Pain that he needed to share with her. Without much thought he took her hand and laced his fingers with hers. “Are you sure?”

“I took a test last week. It was positive so I went to the doctor. They confirmed it for me.” She bit her lip, still trying to fight back the tears that were threatening to escape her eyes. “What do you want to do?”   
“I don't know Killian. What do you want to do?”

“That's up to you babe. No matte what I'm right there beside you.”

Well we have abortion, adoption, or keeping it. Are you ready to be a father?”

“I'm not sure what you want me to say to that. I mean if I'm being honest I hadn't really thought about it at this point. I don't have family to help me and you've just got Dave. It would be a tough go of it.”

“Yeah.” She bit the inside of her cheek, a sure sign that she was nervous. He wasn't sure what to say. It wasn't like they had been careless. They always used a condom. They had even discussed her going on the pill as a second form of contraception but they didn't really have sex all that often. It was hard to find a time and a place. Now though he kind of regretted that they had put it off. “I don't think I could have an abortion Killian. I just can't imagine it.”

“I'm not a fan of the idea myself but it's up to you.”

“I just, I just can't.” She shook her head and he saw the tears welling up again. “So that leaves us with keeping it or giving it up for adoption.” She turned and looked back over the water. Without a word they both knew what they were going to do. They were too young to be parents. They weren't ready for the responsibility that came with raising a child. “I love the baby Killian. Already.” He wanted to say he felt the same but he didn't. He'd known for mere minutes and he couldn't really connect to the idea that there was a baby growing inside her. “Do you want to keep it?”

“Of course I want to. But I think we both know that we can't. There's just not any real way we could.”

“We could try. I mean we graduate next year. I could take my classes online and get a couple jobs. We can stay with Dave. It would be hard but it's not impossible.”

“Not impossible but I think the baby deserves more don't you? I mean we can scrimp and save and struggle. Work all day just to come home and take care of a baby. Do it over and over and over until we resent the baby and eventually each other. Or we can do the hard thing now and give them the life that they deserve. But the thought of it is unbearable to me.” The tears spilled again and this time he didn't hesitate. He put his arm around her and pulled her into his side. Her hand grasped at his shirt as she sobbed into his chest. “We'll never know them Killian. We'll never know our baby.” He stroked her hair as she cried trying to find the words to comfort her. He'd always been able to do that in the past but this time there were no words. There was no fixing the brokenness that was taking root. “I've heard of open adoptions. We could do that. Get to see the baby from time to time.”

“Could you do that?”

“I honestly don't know Em. I don't. It would be hard. To see the baby and want it but have to give it to the adoptive parents over and over again.” She did the lip biting thing again and pulled herself back to a sitting up position. Her eyes went back to the water and his followed suit. “So we're putting the baby up for adoption.” The words were monotone and he could already sense a shift in her. Like she had walled a part of her off from him. As they sat there holding hands staring at the water he felt a sense of fear overtake him. A sense that things would never be the same. 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

 

Present Day:

 

They didn't speak for a long time. The only sounds were the sounds coming from the reunion and their feet moving in their water. Occasionally they would hear a fish jump. Still they didn't speak for a long time. The words would come when it was time. He reached down to where her hand was on the dock and linked his fingers with hers. More often than not words weren't needed between them. A look, a touch, or a gesture had always been enough. It was enough now. She understood. He was here and he wasn't going anywhere. “Do you hate me for what I did?”

“Leaving? No.”

“What about the other part? The baby?”

“Of course I don't hate you for that Emma. I supported you then and I support you now.”

“You don't wish that I had made a different decision?”   
“We made the decision together. You didn't cut me out of the process. But we were young and we made the right call for our child. Do I wish that we could have raised him? Of course I do. There's not a year that goes by that I don't mark his birthday on my calendar. My son is calling someone else dad. It hurts. We did right by him though. We gave him up so that he could have a better life. Better than we could give him.” Her eyes moved back to the water, taking in the moon on the horizon. “I'm sorry I left Killian. I just couldn't deal with it. Being here, seeing the places that we went when I was pregnant and knowing that we would never bring him here. It was more than I could handle.”

“You didn't think I felt the same way? That when I sat here on the docks with you I didn't see you telling me that you were going to have our baby? Knowing that we'd never hold him? Never teach him to sail? Never splash in the waves with him? Emma after you left I came down here so often. I'd remember watching you sit down here at the end of the day throughout the pregnancy. Hand on your stomach, setting sun just beyond you, and a faraway look in your eyes. I watched you shut me out and there was nothing I could do to stop it. It didn't matter how much I pleaded with you to let me in you just wouldn't.” He shrugged his shoulders and followed her lead, staring out at the water. “So where do we go from here then Killian? I want to spend time with you this week but I can't do it if every minute I have to feel guilty because of choices I made a decade ago.”

“It's the past Emma. It happened. We can't undo it but we also can't live there. Was I angry at you for leaving? Yes. I guess there's a part of my that still is. But it's not like anger and love can't live in the same place for a time.”

“Can it?”

“Yes. I can still be angry that you left me and still want to be with you. Emma, I have spent the last ten years loving you. It's just part of who I am.”

“You were married. So it's not like you were pining after me the whole time.” He sensed a sharpness in her tone, like she was hurt that he had been able to move on. There was a sneaking suspicion in the back of his mind that that was something that she had been unable to accomplish. “I did get married. The woman I loved left me and after a while I had to pick up the pieces and move on. Milah helped me do that. She listened when I talked about you and she thought that she understood but she didn't. In the end the fact that I loved you destroyed my marriage. She got tired of coming in second to a memory. I can't say that I blame her.” The silence came back. The waiting. He hadn't intended to tell her about the effect she'd had on his marriage but she asked. Lying wasn't an option. “Emma, talk to me.”

“I never really got over you. I never got over him. On some level I guess it hurt to think that you were able to.”

“But I didn't. Not really.”

“I get that now. So this week. It's you and me in the present?”

“You and me in the present. But I want a promise first.”

“Tell me what it is and we'll talk.” A teasing tone had entered her voice but he felt like they needed to stay serious for just a minute longer. “No lies. No avoidance. We're in the present but if the past makes an appearance I need you to promise that you won't run from it. That you won't run from me.”

“What are we doing? Are we trying for this week and we go back to our lives? If that's the set up then why the honesty pact. Can't we just enjoy the time that we have and leave the past where it belongs?”

“Do you think it's really going to be possible for us to spend a week together and not want more? When has that ever happened? The future is always there for us Emma. Always waiting. Maybe we've made it wait long enough.” She knew what that meant. If she agreed to this week she was agreeing to starting over. To start their relationship back up and see where it went, and they both knew where it was going to go. Every instinct that she had cultivated throughout her life in foster homes told her to run. To head for the door and continue her safe existence in New York. Even if it wasn't everything she had ever dreamed of it was satisfying. It was safe. Staying with Killian was not safe. Being with him was perfect but he carried with him a million memories. He embodied her past, including the painful part that included separating herself from him and their child. Despite that instinct though she knew that satisfying was never going to be enough. She needed him like she needed air and she had deprived herself for too long. In New York she could pretend like he wasn't vital to her but here, with him again, she knew that deception was long gone. “Maybe we have. So yeah, no lies and no avoidance. But no dwelling. If it's a start then it's a start. We already know I hurt you. I can't spend the week with you, potentially planning a future, with the weight of my mistakes hanging over my head all the time.”

“I understand that. So we've got a deal. There's just one more thing to work out.”

“What's that?”

“Do you want to stay here in Storybrook or do you want to go back to my place in Bar Harbor? Robin is planning on staying here for a couple of weeks. He wants to spend time with his family and catch up with some old friends. His job is pretty flexible so he was able to get the time off fairly easy. So we wouldn't have to contend with him.”

“ I think Bar Harbor would be best. Here would be amazing but there's too much history. Too much pain. I want our fresh start to be in a fresh place.” He nodded, completely agreeing. “Do you need to call work or anything?”

“Yeah, I only have a few days off right now so I need to check in and make sure that it's okay. But it's been kind of a slow season so I can't imagine I can't get the time. I guess I'll just do that.” She released her hand from his and stood up, fishing her phone out of her pocket. She dialed the number and after a few rings someone finally picked up. “Brightside Special Effects. This is Bridget. How can I help you?”

“Hey Bridget. This is Emma. I'm glad you're still at office. I was worried it was a little late.”

“You know me. I'll be here practically all night. What's up?”

“I was wondering if I could have some more time off. Like a week or so. I reconnected with an old friend and they invited me to go visit them in Bar Harbor.”

“An old friend huh?”

“Okay, an old boyfriend.”

“I didn't know you had those. I've seen you with guys but you've never mentioned anything more than a one night stand. Two dates maximum.”

“I'm at my high school reunion. He's my high school sweetheart. We're thinking about giving it another shot. The one that got away and all that.”

“So you need a week then? That's not a lot of times to get things squared away.”

“I'm not going to lie to you. If things go well I may need to put in my notice. But honestly that's not even on my radar right now. Him and I decided to live in the moment. We'll see where that takes us.”

“Well then I guess we'll start with a week. Just keep me informed. We lost a client this week so there's some flexibility in the rotation, and a couple of the other artists are itching to get some more time in.”

“Thank you so much Bridget. Have a great week.” She ended the call and turned back to Killian with a smile on her face. “All set.” He grinned back at her and she felt her stomach flip flop. She tried to hold on to her fear but with him staring at her as though she were offering him the moon she felt the fear slipping away.

 

The next week seemed to fly by as though it were a dream. They spent the first couple days sight seeing. He showed her around his world and she relished the joy she saw shining in his eyes as he took in his new home. Though romance hadn't worked out for him after she left it pleased her to see that her decision hadn't completely robbed him of happiness. Had she stayed in Storybrooke, and especially if they had decided to keep their baby, it was likely that he wouldn't be here in this life. He and Robin lived in a two bedroom cottage near the docks and the view from his window was amazing. On her first morning there she got up as the sun rose and grabbed her robe from her suitcase before heading out to the deck that faced the ocean. She closed her eyes as the first rays of sun made their way across her face and drank in the smell of the sea. Contentment washed over her in rays. She was so swept up in the tranquility of her seaside location that she didn't hear Killian come out behind her. He set a cup of coffee on the railing in front of her and silently stared into the distance. She was afraid to speak, to break the spell that had been cast over them. He however did not appear to have those reservations as after a moment he cleared his throat and spoke. “How did you sleep?”

“I slept well. I'm sorry to have put you out of your bed though.”

“The couch is very comfortable. Sometimes more comfortable than my bed even. We haven't seen each other in ten years. I'd like to ease into this if possible. Our memories are great but we're not teenagers anymore. We have to relearn each other.” Throughout the course of the week that was exactly what they did. As they hiked up to Cadillac Mountain she talked about how she had come to work in special effects makeup and he talked about how he got into ocean conservation. He had always been interested in the ocean so his career hadn't really surprised her. They spent the day at the top of the mountain and set up a tent on a campsite just off the beaten trail. As he dug through their packs for the food they had brought with them for dinner she started a small campfire, creating a soft glow around them. They cooked hot dogs over the fire and then settled against a log that he had moved next to it. “Do you ever think about him Killian?”

“Him? You mean our son?”

“Yeah. Do you ever think about him?”

“Every day. I wonder where he is, what he looks like. What parts of you he has and what parts of me.”

“How do you imagine him?”

“I always imagine him with your strength. Your determination. Happy, friendly, and full of childish wonder.”

“I always picture him with your face. Dark hair, blue eyes. I picture him with your kindness. You have always been so kind. Even before we were together. You always took up for me.”   
“I think I was in love with you before I even had a clue what that meant. Dave was my mate so I think I thought I wasn't allowed to think about you that way, until I did and then I couldn't stop myself.” He was starting into the fire, intentionally avoiding her gaze. She reached over and linked her fingers with his. Words weren't necessary. The way that they loved each other from the very beginning was one of the things she loved about their story. There hadn't always been a lot of stability in her life but him loving her, in some form or another, was constant. “You know I didn't leave because I didn't love you right?” He swallowed, wanting to just enjoy the peaceful evening with her. Still she had been so reluctant to talk about their past and he wasn't sure when he would have the opportunity again so he didn't want to pull back. “Then why? I mean I always assumed that it wasn't because you didn't love me but I guess I never really understood why.”

“I didn't feel like I deserved you. Us. I was left by my parents and here I was doing the same thing to my child. It didn't seem fair that I got to keep the things that brought me joy. And you, Killian, always brought me more joy than anything else. I guess I was punishing myself.” He turned and looked at her, taking note of the pensive look on her face. He had missed every element of her during the time that they'd spent apart. Her happiness, her sadness, her joy, and even her anger. “The end of the week is coming Emma.” The change in topic threw her for a moment. She was finally opening up to him about the past and he brought up the fact that their time together was coming to a close? “I guess, yeah, it is.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I don't know. I guess it depends.”

“On?”

“You. Us. I'm not the girl that left anymore Killian. Every instinct in me was screaming to leave you last week but I stayed. Every instinct in me told me not to come to the reunion but I came. I tried to pretend like I came to see David and Mary Margaret, and all of our old high school friends but it was never true. I came for you. I came for this. I knew what I was doing when I came back here and I did it anyways.”

“Do you regret it?”

“Not a single second. This week with you has been amazing.”

“Could you be happy here?”

“I am happy here?”

“There's no special effects workshops here. Are you ready for that?”

“I like my job Killian but I don't love it. I love you. I don't want to be where you're not.”

“Move in with me Emma. Come live the life that we were supposed to be living all along.” A smile grew across her face. A smile that promised him that she was done running. Done punishing herself for the decisions they'd made when they were little more than children themselves. “Of course. Of course I will.” He pulled her into his arms and kissed her, showing her with every ounce of passion he had inside of him that she would never regret the decision she had just made.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6:**

_Christmas 2003_

 

“Emma, Killian is here.” She came to the steps and Killian felt the air leave his body in a rush. Her long blonde hair, with strands falling down around her face, was loosely braided to the right and rested on her bare shoulder. She wore a black pencil skirt and a corset style black and white striped top. The only splash of color came from her red, open toed shoes and the red clutch she held in her hands. She was always beautiful but this was beyond anything he had ever expected. “Wow, Emma. I mean just wow.” His eyes never left her as she descended the stairs. They had been together since the summer before last and he was always in awe of her beauty. He never hesitated to tell her how gorgeous he found her but the look in his eye tonight was different. As though he were seeing her for the first time. When she reached him he bottom of the steps he grabbed her leather coat, formerly his, from the coat hook without ever taking his eyes off of her. “Something seems to have you distracted Killian.”

“I do believe that it's because of the beautiful woman standing in front of me. Let me help you with your coat madam?” As he said it he bent at the waist in a mock bow, still never taking his eyes off her. “Of course good sir.” She shrugged into the coat that he held up for her and then put her arm around his waist as his arm went around her shoulder. “How late are you going to be out Emma?”

“I'm not exactly sure David but I'm sure your friend probably won't have me out until too late. Last thing he'd want to deal with is his best friend in dad mode. Speaking of dad mode you don't need to go into it with me. I appreciate the concern but I've got this.”She looked over to her brother and flashed a smile as she took Killian's arm and allowed him to lead her out the door. Once they were outside the door he stopped suddenly before grabbing her and pressing a passionate kiss to her lips. Her hand moved from his arm and slid up his chest until it tangled in his hair. She pressed herself again his body as his arm snaked around her waist. They stood there like that for a few minutes until he pulled back, in need of some air. “What was that for?”

“You look amazing tonight and I couldn't fully show you the depth of my appreciation in front of your brother. He may be my best friend but when you're around I'm well aware that I'm dealing with an overprotective brother. I think sometimes he forgets that until I realized how much I cared for you I was the same way with you.”

“I'm glad you're not an overprotective brother now.” Her eyes danced in the moonlight, sparkling with flirtation. “You seriously look amazing Em. I know I said it inside but it bears repeating.”

“I appreciate that. You look pretty amazing yourself.”

“Yeah, I know.” She smacked him in the chest as she laughed at his ego. The man knew he was good looking. No question about it. “So off to the party then?”

“That was the plan wasn't it?” She smiled as he followed her around to the passenger side of the car, opening the door for her so that she could slide in. As soon as he was in the car and they were pulling out of the driveway her hand found his on his thigh. From the moment that they had decided to get together it had been near perfection for them. Moments that should have been have been awkward instead felt instinctual. Long before their first official date his hand had sought hers in quiet moments and the question of whether or not he would kiss her at the end of that first date he been answered when he couldn't restrain himself when he picked her up for the evening. Now in the car they had settled into a rhythm, as though they had been together. He turned to look at her from the drivers seat and her breathe caught in her throat at the intensity she saw blazing from his endlessly blue eyes. There was never a doubt that he loved her. He told her regularly. By word and deed. Now though she saw it and it was more than she had ever hoped for. It had been blazing there since he first saw her when she made her appearance for the evening. “Killian...”

“Yeah love.”

“I want to stay with you tonight.”

“You know I'd love that but your brother would not be pleased if I kept his little sister out all evening.”

“I understand that but you're not dating my brother. You're dating me.” He heard the beginning of irritation in her voice and flitted his eyes to go to her face. He moved his hand underneath hers, lacing their fingers together. “That I am love. I'm just worried about the effects you staying the night might have. We love each other but we're only sixteen. I don't have a place of my own and I know that your brother will have something to say about you staying out all night.”

“Then lets forget the party.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you have your credit card. No one is going to miss us at this party if we don't make it and if they do we'll tell them the truth. We decided that we wanted to spend some time together before the holiday craziness.”

“And what do you expect to do with the time that we were supposed to be at the party.”

“Get a room.”

“Emma...”

“Killian....we've been together for more than a year. We love each other. Are you going to leave me?” He was momentarily taken aback by her question and the shift in the conversation. “Why would you ask me that? Of course I'm not going to leave you. You think I'd leave you because we're not having sex?” She could hear the hurt in his voice and immediately regretted the lack of clarification in the question. “No, not at all. Never. I mean if anything I'm the one pushing that issue. I meant in general. Are you going to leave me?” Sensing that the conversation was about to get serious Killian put on his blinker and pulled the car to the side of the road, and turned on his hazards. He unbuckled and turned in his seat to look at Emma. He took her hand in his and looked her in the eyes. “I'll never leave you Emma. Don't you know that?” The corner of her lip turned up in a half smile as she took him in. “Of course I know that.” Her hand reached up to caress his cheek, ghosting over the stubble that she so adored on him. “Killian, there's no more reason to wait. I love you. You love me. We're in this. I don't care if people think that this is a high school thing. I just don't. I know how I feel about you. I know how your breathing changes when we fall asleep on the couch watching a movie. I can sense you behind me long before I hear you. This has never been and was never going to be a high school romance. How many people get to meet their soul mate at the age we did? Why should we wait? Doesn't knowing now just mean that we get all the more time to be together. We're the lucky ones. We didn't have to wait our whole lives.”

“I understand that Emma. I do. But that's love. It's there. It doesn't need sex. I mean I would love to make love to you but whether we do or not I'm going to love you. For the rest of our lives.”

“I know that. I know you will. Which is why I want to get a room with you. I want to spend the next few hours with you, getting to know you on another level. If you think that it's going to be cheap and tawdry, renting a hotel room for a couple hours to have sex you're wrong. It's time together Killian. Time to get to know each other in a whole new way. I want that. I don't want to wait for some future date and time for it to be right. It's right now.” He bit his lip in that way that she knew meant that he was considering before turning his eyes back to the road again. The sun was just beginning to set in the distance and her hand was in his. She wanted him and suddenly he knew that she was right. This was the time. The future was now and he didn't want to put it off any longer. “We're calling David.”

“I don't really need him involved in this.”

“If we're doing this I don't want to have to let you go in a few hours. Your foster mom isn't going to care if you don't come home but David will. I don't want him to worry. But if we're going to do this you're spending the night with me. I'm going to fall asleep with you in my arms and I'm going to wake up with you laying next to me. I can't do it any other way. Any other time we do it I might have to but not for the first.”

“Will I be your first?”

“Emma...? When would there have been anyone else? You've known me since we were twelve. I think you'd know if I'd been having sleepovers of the adult variety.”

“David would have known. I wouldn't have necessarily.”

“Let me reassure you then that you will absolutely be the first for me as well.”

“Okay...well then I guess since you need my brothers blessing let's give him a call and get this night started.” She joked but when he looked in her eyes he saw the joy dancing there. She wanted this. She wanted him. It was an incredible feeling.

* * *

 

_Present:_

 

        After spending so many years apart everything happened at warp speed for Emma and Killian. Within days of her decision to move to Bar Harbor they rented a car and made the trip back to Manhattan to get her stuff. She called her boss and let her know that she would be tendering her resignation, effective immediately. Just three days after she made the decision to move to Bar Harbor her and Killian arrived at her apartment in New York. She pulled her keys out of her purse, unlocked the door and entered the apartment. Although her entire life had changed since she left the room looked unchanged. Ariel was still there so things were moved but overall it was exactly how she had left it. The black couch pushed up against the wall and photos of her and her friends from the city hung on the walls. Killian stepped away from her and walked around the apartment, taking in the life that she had made for herself here. “When was this picture taken?” She walked to where she was and found him staring at a picture of her, Ariel, David, and Mary Margaret at a fountain in the city replicating a scene from the opening credits of Friends. “That was in the Cherry Hills fountain. A lot of people think that's the fountain from Friends. It's not but it was still fun.” He picked up the photo and looked at it closely. She didn't miss the quiet that fell over him as he wandered around the apartment. After about half an hour she sat down on the couch, pulling her knees up to her chest and just watching him. Every photo he stared at intently, as though trying to memorize it. “Killian? What's wrong?” He turned and she saw a pain there that she hadn't seen since she'd agreed to come and stay with him. Without question she knew that the past was about to visit their idyllic life and she wasn't sure that she was completely prepared for it. “Nothing's wrong love.”

“Like hell. Try again.” He came over and sat next to her feet, even though there was still half the couch to sit on. “Okay. Fine. But you asked to talk about the past, not me.”

“Understood. I don't want there to be anything between us Killian. Even if it's hard I want to make sure we go into our life together without anything standing between us.”   
“I mean, this isn't that serious. I was just looking around your apartment and it's hard. Looking at the life you had without me. The life we should have had together. We didn't though and I'm not saying that it doesn't still smart a but we have a future to look forward to. It just hits me in the face a bit here, in the world that you had without me, but I'm not upset. I'm not angry. There's sadness that there was time lost but I'm so excited and thankful for the time that we're going to have.” He turned towards her and she saw something new in his eyes. Something on fire and raw. Taking her hands in his he spoke again. “I love you more than I ever thought possible Emma. I loved you then. I'm not discrediting that love by any means but the love that I have for you now, as an adult, is so much different.”

“It's only been a week. How can it be that much different? You barely know me now.”

“If you really believed that you wouldn't be coming to live with me. If you didn't believe that our love is bigger and stronger than it's ever been then you would have run right back here to New York and hid out again. The fact that we're here to pack you up and bring you home tells me so much more than those words you just spoke. But if you need to know why I love you more now then let me tell you. I love the way that you speak with such assertiveness. You've always known who you are but now it's more than just knowing who you are. You're comfortable with who you are. I love the way that you take care of me. Not because you're taking care of me but because I can see the pleasure it brings you. The same way that taking care of you makes me happy. I love the way that you stand up for yourself so completely. I love who you were, I love who you are, and I can tell in just a week that I will love who you become in the future. You are an amazing woman Emma. I would be a fool to not wish I could have spent these years with you but we can't discount the growing up we did during that time. Perhaps if we had stayed together, young and in love, we wouldn't have grown to be people that could appreciate the little things about each other. Of course looking around this place I can't help but appreciate the life you've lived without me because you're the woman that I love. This life created that. But I am so glad that our time apart has come to an end.” A tear slipped down her cheek as she looked down at his hands, entwined with hers. She knew that David loved her. She knew that she had people that cared for her. Her less than ideal childhood hadn't robbed her of that knowledge. Never before though had she ever felt so completely loved and cherished before. He had always been her safety, her port in the storm. In the ten years that she had spent away from she had been adrift, just trying to find a way in the world that she had created for herself. She never allowed herself to think that perhaps life was leading her back to Killian. Even when she decided to go to the reunion she told herself that she was just checking in, just catching up. Now though she knew that every fiber of her being was leading her home back to him. “I'm not great with words Killian. You know that right?”

“I do. That's okay.”

“I want you to know though that I love you too. Not the boy you were then, although I loved him too. This patient, kind man who has been willing to set aside the past so that we could have another shot. A lesser man would have held it all against me and you chose not to. I don't take that for granted.”

“I have no doubt of that love.” She bit her lip and smiled as he leaned forward and captured her lips with his own. Her hands went to the solid plains of his chest before snaking up around his neck. The kiss intensified before he pulled back, looking at her. “This would be a lot of fun Swan but I think we should get some backing done. I know that tomorrow you said you wanted to show me around New York before we get everything packed up to move home.” Her arms stayed around his neck, her fingers running through the hair just barely brushing his collar. “Hmmm, home. I like the sound of that. But I think we can pack tomorrow. I just want to enjoy tonight with you. Ariel is staying out so we'll have the place to ourselves. We can order a pizza, have some ice cream, and do a Netflix night. Then we can go see the city for a bit tomorrow and then come back and power through packing, load up the truth the next morning and then head to our home.”

“I have to say I like that plan more than packing. My favorite part is you coming back with me, for good.”

“That's my favorite part too.” She picked up her phone off the coffee table, dialing the number for the local pizza delivery place and put in her order. After half an hour their pizza had arrived and she had changed into a pair of leggings, a white over-sized sweater, and threw her hair up on top of her head in a messy bun. After changing into a pair of sweatpants and a white tank top Killian grabbed a blanket off the back of the couch and settled into the corner to wait for Emma. Their evening ended with their pizza crusts left on plates on the coffee table in front of them and her laying in front of him on the couch, asleep, with the TV playing into the night.

 

          The next day moved quickly for Emma and Killian. The first part of the day was spent wandering around New York City. They visited all the standard tourist traps but most of the day was just spent enjoying each others company. Silly pictures were taken in Times Square and they walked through Central Park holding hands and talking quietly in hushed tones. It was everything Emma had ever wished for. She had loved living in New York, but it had always been lacking somehow. It was a city where romantic movies were made but she was never able to find love. It had been a lonely place for her, almost her own self imposed punishment. Now she was there, with the man she had loved since she was little more than a child, preparing to leave that life behind and start a new one with herself. As they walked through Central Park, holding his hands with their fingers intertwined, she felt peace come over here. All fear of the move left her. “Killian, let's go back to the apartment and get packed. I have a very strong desire to get packed and get home.” He looked at her with confusion on his face but didn't question her. Hours later they packed the last box and he picked it up to load it into the truck that they had rented for the ride home. The evening was spent curled up on the couch again, this time too tired for much more than just a movie or two. Early the next morning he and Emma loaded into the truck and started the journey back to their home in Bar Harbor. When they pulled into the driveway that afternoon, after a long day of travel, Killian surprised Emma by jumping out of the truck and running around to her side, opening the door, and lifting her into his arms to carry her to the front door. “Put me down you dork. Carrying someone over the threshold is for the wedding night, not moving into together,” she said laughing and smacking him on the shoulder. “Our house love, our rules. And I wish to carry you over the threshold.” She continued to laugh but didn't fight him any longer. It had still not left her mind that if she hadn't left him all those years ago this would have been their life. They would have no doubt have already been married and possibly have had another child, one that they were ready for this time. Beneath her his arms moved and she managed to get the doorknob to turn before using his foot to kick the door open. He stepped inside and closed the door behind him before setting her down. She was unable to take a step away from him before his arms came around her and he backed her up to the door. “Welcome home Swan.” Her arms made way around his neck as she said, “I've been here for a week.”

“You were a guest then. You're home now. Although if you still need time I will continue to sleep on the couch if that's what you need.”

“Killian, if that's what I needed then I wouldn't have moved here. We're going to be living together and I wouldn't have agreed to it if I weren't ready to agree to everything that entails.”

“Just because you're agreeing to it doesn't mean you're ready for it and I don't want you to do anything that you're not ready for.”

“I'm ready. I promise you. I am.” She smiled as the stress from the day relaxed from his face. “In that case my love what say you and I start getting the boxes in the house and start mixing your stuff with mine. I'm ready for this place to be ours.” She nodded and he stepped back so that she could open the door. For hours they worked to get everything in order and finally, as the sun began to set, everything was in its place and they grabbed the phone to order chinese. Waiting for their food they put her clothing in his dresser, and Emma sifted through his DVD collection to see what duplicates they had before selecting a movie for the night. It had been a busy day, much like the day before, and they were both bone weary. About forty five minutes after ordering the food the doorbell rang and Emma jumped off the couch to go and grab the dinner. She threw open the door and was surprised to see a young man, no more than ten or maybe eleven, standing in their doorway. “Um, can I help you?”

“ Are you Emma Swan?”

“Yeah, who are you?”

“My name is Henry. I'm your son.”


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7:

_ 2004 _

 

_“It's a boy Emma...” She turned her head away desperately trying not to look at him. She knew what would happen if she did. She would want to hold him and if she held him she would never be able to let him go. She had to be strong for her son. Her son. The words sounded foreign to her, something that was completely outside the realm of possibility. Her hands gripped the bars on the bed, physically restraining herself from reaching for him. The desire to touch him, to count his fingers and toes, to whisper that his mother loved him was the strongest desire she had ever had. “Emma...” She shook her head, indicating to the doctor that she didn't want to see him. Couldn't see him. Tears flowed freely down her face as she struggled with the ache that was beginning to settle into her chest. He took a step closer, baby in his arms. “Emma, just so you know you can change your mind.” Her voice cracked as she spoke for the first time since giving birth. “No. I can't be a mother.” Her voice was strained, barely her own, but the doctor took her at her word and walked out of the room. As soon as she heard the door shut behind him she gave in to her grief and started to sob._

 

_Killian paced the hallway waiting to hear word. He hadn't been allowed in the delivery room. Emma hadn't wanted him there. Somewhere deep inside him he knew that this was better, that if they were going to be able to their child up they couldn't connect with it. That was deep inside though and at this moment all he wanted was to know. To know if Emma was okay. To know if they had a son or a daughter. To know what they looked like. Finally a doctor walked into the room. “Killian Jones?” He rose and stood in front of the doctor. “Is Emma okay? What did we have? Is the baby healthy?” The questions flowed out of him, afraid that if he gave the doctor the change to answer the response might be something he didn't want to hear. “Emma is fine. She had a healthy baby boy and he's in the nursery.”_

_“Did Emma see him?”_

_“She declined to see him.”_

_“Do you know if there's a family for him yet? Emma and I have been waiting to hear about potential families and so far nothing.”_

_“At the moment no there's not a family. We do have a foster family with an infant of their own that is prepared to take him in though. No need to worry. Your son will be in good hands.” His stomach dropped at the notion that their child would be leaving the hospital to go to a foster family. He had heard of Emma's time in foster care and it had never sounded particularly wonderful. For a moment he thought that maybe he should defy Emma and take the baby himself. There was no doubt though that they were making the right choice for him. He had no family to care for the baby while he was working and Emma didn't seem to think that being a good mother was something she could do. “Can I see Emma?”_

_“Of course.” He walked past the doctor and towards Emma's room. He should be going to get his first look at their son. He should have been in the room with her, encouraging her, and watching her bring life into the world. Instead he was alone in an empty hallways knowing that at the end of what should be one of the happiest days of his life he was going to be going home alone. Emma had been distant since she announced her pregnancy and he knew that she would be going back to her house. He couldn't shake the feeling that he was not only losing their baby but that he was losing Emma as well. He opened the door and looked in to find Emma curled into herself, tears on her cheeks. It looked as though she had just fallen asleep. He wanted to talk to her. He wanted to hold her. Yet he knew that after giving birth and refusing to the baby she must be physically and emotionally exhausted. If he woke her now he would be doing it for him, not for her. He turned slowly and walked out of the room. Without a thought his feet started moving, not a thought in mind as to where he was going. Yet he was somehow not surprised when he found himself standing in front of the nursery. He looked at the babies through the window, wondering which one was his. “Can I help you sir?” A nurse stood in front of him, probably wondering about the creepy guy standing outside the room full of babies. “My son is in there.”_

_“Congratulations.” Suddenly tears filled his eyes and he was unable to restrain them from falling down his cheeks. The nurse, an older woman with short gray hair, looked at him with kindness filling her eyes. “What is it young man? Overcome? I've seen many a father overwhelmed by love by his child.”_

_“No, I mean yes I suppose, but no.” Tears continued to stream down his face as he stared through the glass. “My son is in there.”_

_“Which one?”_

_“I don't know. The one delivered by Emma Swan. He's my boy.” She moved closer, laying a hand on his shoulder. “Do you want to see him?”_

_“I can't. We're putting him up for adoption. We agreed not to see him. Thought it would be easier. I suppose I'm telling myself that since I don't know which one he is I'm not breaking our agreement.”_

_“I can't tell you what to do young man but I can tell you this. When you leave here today there's going to be no baby. There's going to be no lifetime of memories for you. Don't leave here without taking one with you. It could haunt you. You don't have to tell your young lady.”_

_“I can't lie to her.”_

_“Don't lie. My recommendation is just don't tell.” She smiled kindly at him as he weighed his decision, although it only took a moment for him to really decide. “I want to see him.”_

_“Follow me.” She walked into the nursery with Killian trailing behind her. They arrived at one of cribs and he looked down. The baby was wrapped up tightly with a blue cap on his head. He looked down at him and felt his heart shatter. This was his child. How was he supposed to leave here without him? “How do I do it?”_

_“Do what?”  
“Leave him. How do I walk out of here and never see him again?” _

_“You hope that it's not never. You may not be ready to be a parent now but someday there's a chance that he'll come looking for you. You go and you make something of your life. You make something of the sacrifice that you're making. You don't see it now through the pain but you're enriching lives. Not just yours and not just his. There will be a family that will have never been able to have a child, or not been able to have all the children that they wanted, and your sacrifice will fill that void with them. That's how you leave here. Knowing that you're doing what's best for your son.”_

_“Can I hold him?”  
“I'm not supposed to let you. You're not technically even supposed to be in here since Miss Swan didn't give permission. You just seemed so sad.” _

_“Please? I promise I won't tell anyone. I'll never even let anyone know that I was in here.” His eyes darted back and forth between the nurse and the baby, pleading with her for this first and last moment with his child. “Okay but just for a moment.” She picked the baby up, placing him in his fathers arms. Killian cradled his son in his arms, savoring the feeling of his weight. He knew that he would never forget the feel or the smell of him. The nurse took a step back, giving him a moment to say hello and goodbye. Killian leaned down, taking in the sight of his child. “You won't remember this. Won't remember me. But somewhere in there I hope that you remember that your daddy loved you. From the moment I knew you existed I loved you. I love you enough to try to give you better than what I can offer. Your mommy loves you too. I know she didn't see you but it's just because she knows that if she did she would never be able to give you what you need.” He leaned down, breathing in the scent of him. The tears began again as he knew that he was going to have to say goodbye. Spending a long time with his son wasn't an option. Their time was always limited. He lifted his arms up, lowering his forehead to the baby's. His voice was low and quiet. “Baby boy next to your mother you are the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. Find me someday please. I can't picture a life where I never know you.” As he spoke a tear rolled down his cheek, landing on the baby's little cheek. He didn't brush it away._

 

**Present Day**

 

While Emma processed the words that had just come out of the little boys mouth he pushed past her, entering her apartment. “Hey, kid! Kid! I don't have a son. Where are your parents?”

“Ten years ago did you give up a baby for adoption?” She looked at him, still in shock, trying to think of what to say or do next. “Well I'm him.” Thankfully at that moment Killian came into the entryway. “Can I help you young man?”

“I don't know. I'm looking for my parents.”

“Do you need me to call someone to help you find them?”

“One of them is here. Emma's my mom. I mean she hasn't said she is yet but I know it.” Those words stopped him in his tracks. If this was Emma's son then that meant that this was his son as well. All of a sudden the vision of him in his blue cap, wrapped in his arms, came racing back to him. “You're Emma's son?” He turned his eyes to Emma, a mix of hope and terror mingling in his eyes. When he took in her eyes though all thoughts turned to her. Her eyes were glued to the little boy in front of her and tears were already forming in her eyes. It had taken so long for her to get past giving him up and now he was here standing in their living room. “Emma?” She lifted her eyes to his and he could see her wrestling her urge to run. Instead she just nodded her head and finally spoke. “He's ours.” Without thinking both Emma and Killian moved towards the boy, wrapping him up in a group hug that spoke to how much they cared for him. When the hug broke they ushered him to the living room and helped him to get settled on the couch. “So why don't we take care of introductions huh? I'm Emma, as you clearly know, and this is Killian. He's your father. And you are?”

“My name is Henry. You guys are still together? That's awesome. I figured I'd have to go looking for him too.”

“We recently reconnected. How did you get here Henry?”

“I lifted a credit card from my foster mom's wallet. She won't care. She'd have given me the money if I asked. I think.”

“You stole a credit card?”

“I just needed to see you.”

“Why? Why now?” Killian placed his hand on Emma's knee, calming her. He could already see that she was struggling with her urge to run and he felt the need to restrain her. “I just got moved to another foster home. My foster mom is nice and all but I want a family. No one wants a kid at this age. They all want babies.” Killian snuck at a look at Emma underneath his lashes and was not surprised to see the color having drained from her face. His words made their way under their skin leaving an ice cold sensation in their bones. Emma looked as though she had been struck so he spoke first. “You're still in foster care lad?”

“Yeah, I had a home for a while but they got pregnant and didn't think they could take care of two kids. So they sent me back. I don't hate the group home but I guess I always wanted a family. That's where you guys come in.” Emma stared at him, words still escaping her. This was her greatest fear when she had placed him in the system. That somehow her past would be repeated with him and that he would never be placed in a permanent home. Giving him up had been ripped her heart out. For years she felt as though she couldn't catch her breath every time she saw a woman with a baby or a young child. It had only been the knowledge that she had given him a better life that had allowed her to move on and have any semblance of peace. Now that had been shattered in mere instants. She had never wanted him to experience feeling unloved and unwanted yet because of her he had spent his whole life that way. Her fear had stopped her from keeping him and now he had endured the same type of childhood that she had had. “What are you looking for from us Henry? Killian and I put you up for adoption.”

“I've never been adopted.” He looked at her as if this solved everything and oh how she wished it did. At that moment Killian stood extending his hand to Emma as he looked down at Henry. “Do you want anything to drink? I need to talk to Emma for a second so I figured we'd get you anything you need while we're up.”

“Do you have milk? I'd really like some chocolate milk if you have it.”

“We don't have any chocolate milk but I can probably get you some hot chocolate if you think you might like that.”

“Yes, please.” Despite having been raised in the system he seemed to have impeccable manners. Emma took Killians hand and followed him to the kitchen stunned by all that had happened in the last few minutes. “That's our son Killian.” A smile that could light up the entire room filled his face and he couldn't stop the pride that was bursting from his chest. “Certainly seems to be a resourceful lad.” He chuckled but stopped at the look on her face. She was guarded in a way that she'd not been since they first saw each other at the reunion. In an instant the smile faded from his face and he felt some of his defenses raise. He knew this route. He'd walked it with her before. She would pull back and then there would be fights over trivial things and eventually it would lead to the same place that it had led before. Her gone and him fighting to recover from losing her. He had barely managed the last time and he was fairly certain that he would be unable to endure the pain again. As if a physical force had moved between them he moved back, preparing for the emotional blow to come. To distract himself from her distance he moved about the kitchen, grabbing the ingredients he would need for Henry's hot chocolate. “You said you wanted to talk Killian so why don't you talk?”

“Why don't you talk? I thought we needed a second to regroup so that we didn't scare the kid.”

“How would we scare the kid?”

“He's a child. He came here with some kind of expectation and I would hate for one of us to say something that would hurt him or upset him.”

“And by someone you mean me right?” He closed his eyes and sighed as he ran his hand over his face. This was how it had all started before. Every disagreement she put words into his mouth and it always ended up in the same place. Her telling him that he blamed her for the baby being gone. It never mattered how many times he tried to tell her that she was dead wrong. Admitting that she didn't know everything was never her strong suit. “I'm not doing this again Emma.”

“Doing what again?”

“This. You pulling away, shutting me out, finding a way to tear apart every word I say and pick a fight.”

“That's not what I'm doing. Why in the world would you say that?” Her face was a cross between anger and sadness and for a moment he questioned whether he was correct about what she was doing. Then he remembered all the times when they were young and he questioned it only to finally have her leave him, alone and hurting. “Why? Why would I say that? Emma this is exactly how it all started when we put him up for adoption. You pulled away from me and suddenly everything I said and did was wrong. Before long we were fighting all the time and I watched you walk away from me without a second look back. You just moved in here. We're just starting our lives together. The second chance it took us ten years to get. Now he's here and as thrilled as I am to see him, and trust me I am, I'm watching you and I see it all happening again.” She wanted to touch him. To reach out to him. To promise him that it wasn't happening again but she felt it when Henry said that the was there son. She felt it even more when he said that he was still in foster care. Everything that Killian was saying was right on point. “Killian, I don't know what you want me to say. What do you want from me? That was ten years ago. I told you when I came here that I can't live there. Our relationship has to be new and not all bound up in stuff that happened when we were teenagers.”

“It's all tied together Emma. You think that just because time has passed that I don't remember the razor sharp pain I felt when you left me and the dull ache that filled my chest as the years went on? You think I don't remember drinking myself into a stupor because it was so much better than being sober and knowing that you weren't there? Even before you left you were gone. You were so distant and so cold. So hard. We have a chance here Emma. We have a chance at the life we missed out on but how can you really blame me for watching for the warning signs that I didn't have before. I love you but I can't go through that again. Now what I went through after and not what I went through before.”

“And what did you go through before?”

“Emma, everything I did was wrong. If I brought you flowers I was trying to pacify you. If I didn't I was neglecting you. If I tried to make love to you I was not allowing you to process giving our son up in your time but if I didn't then I didn't want you. No matter what move I made it was a fight. I'm not doing it again. I understand your walls, and I love you for them, but I'm not going to be mistreated. It almost broke me last time watching us erode. I don't want to do it again.” Emma felt something in her shift with his words. With fresh eyes she reflected on their time together after Henry had been born. He had continually tried to comfort her but she felt so awful about having to give up her son that she had rebuffed his efforts, not feeling worthy of them. She was moody and prone to throwing attitude at everything he said and did. When he had tried to kiss her she had moved away, when he tried to do more she had accused him of trying to forget their child ever existed. He had stayed though. Through everything he stayed. “Why did you stay then if it was so awful?”

“Because it was you Em. You were everything. The sun, the moon, the stars. The air I breathed. I would have stayed through anything. Raising Henry, not raising Henry. Having money or being flat broke it would have all been okay with you by my side.”

“And you don't feel that way this time?”

“Of course I do. You are everything. I love you so much that I want to preserve what we have. It won't survive it again. I don't want to feel like I'm lonely when I'm with you. I don't want to feel like I'm constantly about to lose you. I'd rather let you go loving you every bit as much as I do right now then to let it slowly die under harsh words and accusations.” Tears had pooled in his eyes as the gravity of what he was saying settled in. This morning they had been moving her in with him, happier than they had been in years, and now they were standing in the kitchen with the possibility of the end looming over them. It struck him that this was the first time they were all together as a family and it may already be falling apart. He took a step closer, grabbing her hands and speaking with gravel in his words. “He's in there Emma. We're not kids anymore. He's not adopted. We have a second chance. A chance to do it the way we always wanted to before. But it can't happen if both of us aren't completely in this.” With tears in her eyes she took a step closer, feeling her walls fall down around her like shackles falling off. How had she not seen this? Him not being adopted wasn't a tragedy, it was a miracle. He had experienced hard years she was sure but now he was available to be theirs again. No fighting for time with him with other parents. No waiting to say good-bye every time they saw him. “Are you saying that you want him? Killian, is that what you're saying?”

“Of course it's what I want. He's our boy Emma. I've never not wanted him.” A grin split across her face as she realized that their family was coming together. “You never didn't want him?”

“I would have raised him Emma. We were young but I always thought we could have done it. You felt so certain that we couldn't though and you were the mother so I let you make the decision.”

“You had a right to have a say.”

“I didn't want a life with you and him if it wasn't what you wanted. Resentment for me would have crept in and we would have ended. The choices that were made had to be yours. You're not a woman who can be controlled Emma Nolan. Don't think I don't know that.” She pulled her hands from his and placed them on either side of his face as she leaned forward to press her lips to his. He responded by putting his arms around her waist and pulling her closer, eliminating any distance between them. “I'm sorry that I reacted badly Killian. All I could think of was that it was all for nothing. Being away from him. Losing you. He had still ended up with the exact life I didn't him to have and I felt like it was all my fault.”

“It's life Emma. There's not always blame to be assigned. We learn to handle the hand we've been dealt and we move on.”

“I want to know that. I want to learn that. But more than that I want to have the family that I denied us for so long.”

“We made the choice Emma. You didn't steal anything from me or him. We have an opportunity here but it can't work if you're always looking for ways you've failed us. We have won simply because you're you. There's been hurt yes but it's been on both of our parts. Now, as much as I'd like to continue this conversation there's a young boy in the living who's waiting for some hot cocoa and I think we should take it to him. As soon as he's done I'll call the foster home that he's in and let them know that he's safe and we'll bring him back tomorrow. Then I'll see what work we need to do to bring him home to us.” She smiled as he poured the hot cocoa in a cup and sprinkled cinnamon on top, recognizing her own little addition to the hot drink. As she walked into the living room she realized that finally after all this time maybe all of her dreams were going to come true. 

 

*Please read and review. This story is coming to a close and I really appreciate any feedback. It makes my day to get response to the story. :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma Nolan and Killian Jones were high school sweethearts. Childhood sweethearts really. But when something traumatic happened their senior year of high school they were ripped apart. Now ten years later they see each other again at their high school reunion. Can they move past their past? And when it comes back in a very real way how will they deal with all it brings up?

** Chapter 8: **

 

Emma watched from the window as Henry and Killian played in the yard, tossing the football back and forth. It had been weeks since Henry first showed up at their door. Dealing with the courts to get him out of foster care and back with them had been more difficult than she had expected. When she started the process she thought that they would be eager to place a foster child with their birth parents but that had not been the case. They were suspicious, wondering why it had taken so many years for them to want their son back. They looked into their background with a fine toothed comb. Killian had been questioned about his marriage and why it failed. She was questioned about why she moved so suddenly back from New York. At the end of all the questions though the courts had decided that there was no reason for Henry to stay alone in a foster home when he had a real family that wanted him. So the courts had agreed to let her and Killian bring him home for visits and after finishing classes to become foster parents he would come home to them permanently. He was there for a weekend this time and it was everything that she had ever imagined. Henry played with his father in the yard while she watched from the kitchen window as she prepared dinner. They were going to a movie after the meal and then to the hardware store so that Henry could pick out the colors for the room they were putting together for him. In less than a week their classes would be done and he would be home permanently. After fifteen minutes the door burst open and Henry rushed in, dropping his coat by the door, excitedly talking about how Killian was teaching him all about downs and end zones, and the line of scrimmage. To Emma it was all Greek but it was music to her ears. Killian was steps behind him and her hurt nearly burst at the sight of him. A grin split his face as he ruffled Henry's hair on the way to give her a brief kiss. “Emma, that boy is going to be quite the football player.”

“I'm sure his father is going to see to it.” She smiled before turning back to the meal cooking on the stove. “Henry, wash up and start setting the table please.” It was such a domestic moment and it took her by surprise how much she loved it. This was never the life she pictured for herself. It had never become clear what her goal in life was but she was sure that this was a large part of it. However she knew that it wasn't all of it. Killian worked and Henry was at school all day and she didn't want to be alone in the house all day. She had never not worked and she was finding that it was harder to adapt to than she had initially thought. After they had settled at the table she turned her attention to Killian. “I think I need to go back to work.”

“I told you love there's not a special effects studio here.”

“That's never really been my dream. I think that this has always been my dream. You, me and Henry. I don't need a job to fulfill my dream but I do need a job. I was thinking about going back to something I did shortly after I got to New York but I don't want you to freak out.”

“Telling me not to freak out is definitely going to make me not freak out. Good move love,” he chuckled. “Okay. Fine. I see your point. I was thinking that I would go back to working as a bail bondsman part time.”

“That's awfully dangerous Emma.”

“Yeah. It can be but I've done it before. It was actually pretty good at it.”

“How is this going to look when we're trying to be foster parents? And to adopt our son?”

“We'll tell them and if it's an issue I won't do it. But I do want to try if possible.”

“Well then you have my full support.” She smiled a crooked smile and crinkled her nose. “I knew you would. You're always so good about supporting my wishes. So boys what do you say we finish up dinner, get this kitchen cleaned up and head out for our family night? We've got a lot to do before Henry goes back on Sunday.” It was only a matter of ten minutes before everything was cleaned up and they were slipping on their shoes to head out the door.

 

In bed hours later Emma laid with her head on Killian's chest, his hand resting on her hip. Henry was in the room down the hall on a mattress on the floor. Over the course of the next week they would decorate the room in a pirate theme, per Henry's request. “Did you ever think this would be possible Killian?”

“What's that love?”

“Us. Here. Henry down the hall.”

“I don't know that I believed it would be possible but I hoped it would be possible. Can I tell you something without you getting angry at me?” Her back stiffened a little, preparing for the urge to run that confessions usually left her with. Especially confessions where she needed to give a preemptive assurance that she wouldn't get angry. “Why don't you tell me and then I'll tell you if I'm angry.” He heard the tone in her voice, the one she got when she was close to shutting down, but chose to press on. Things were great between them but if they were going to make it it wouldn't be because he constantly backed down to her. He suspected that she enjoyed when he challenged her, even if she would never admit it. “I saw Henry before we put him up for adoption. I had come to see you but you were asleep so I went to the nursery just to look at the babies. I told myself that I wouldn't be breaking our pact if I just snuck a look at all the babies since I wouldn't know which was ours.”

“Did you know? Just by looking?” For a moment he was taken aback. Her body relaxed next to him and he felt like he could breathe free. She didn't appear to be angry. Just curious. His hand moved from her hip and he traced his fingertips up and down her back. “No. But there was a nurses there who saw me and she let me go in. I talked to him and even held him for a moment.” He felt a slight tremble course through her body and heard her take a deep breathe. For a moment he was afraid that telling her that detail had been the one that went too far. They had agreed not to see Henry and he broke that agreement. A drop of moisture fell onto his chest and he looked down to see tears pooled in her eyes. “Emma, I'm sorry. I just couldn't resist.”

“I'm not angry. I'm jealous. Every day from the day we gave him up until the day that he showed up here on our doorstep I wanted to see him. To know what he looked like. We missed so much. So many moments and you have a moment with him that I'll never have because I was too stubborn to just take it.”

“You did what you needed for you. I didn't tell you to upset you. I wanted to tell you what the nurse said. I asked her how I was supposed to leave him forever and she told me to hope that it wasn't forever. She told me to become the person that I wanted to be so that if he ever came looking for me I was ready for it. She told me to make something of the sacrifice. So that's what I've done ever since. I've tried to live my life in a way that if he came to find me he could be proud. There was always something missing though. I thought I found it with my ex-wife but now I know that that missing piece was always you. No matter what happened between us you were this piece of my heart that nothing else could touch and Henry was attached to that. I don't believe in coincidence Emma. I believe that there's a reason that he didn't show up back here until you and I had reconciled. Until you and I had found our way back to each other. He comes home to a family, not just two people.” Her hand reached up and caressed the side of his face before sliding behind his neck, bringing his lips to her. The kiss started off gently, a light brushing, but slowly became more urgent. She moved to position herself so that she was up on her elbow as her other arm came up to draw him closer. However it wasn't long before they pulled apart, putting a stop to their more amorous activity. “Killian, you do realize that we'll have sex with him in the house right? I mean he's our son. He's going to be in the house. Someday I would hope, and I'll bet he hopes as well, that we'll add some brothers and sisters to the family for him.”

“Yes love I'm aware that we'll make love with him in the house. I'm just not comfortable yet. He stills feels to much like a guest and honestly I feel like we're tiptoeing around until we're able to bring him home. Once he's here day in and day out it won't feel so awkward.” She understood. She really did. It felt a bit as though their life and their happiness was on hold until they could finally bring him home. Until then they were just holding their breathe, hoping that nothing would go wrong. One misstep and they could lose out on getting to see him grow up all over again. “Just one more week. This is the last visit. Next time we bring him here we're bringing him here for good. Do you think you're ready for that?”

“Yes love I do. I've been ready for it from the moment I saw him in the hospital but honestly I'm glad that we put him up for adoption. I'm not sure what kind of life we would have given him had we kept him as a baby. We did what was best for him, even if it was hard for us.” She sighed and curled deeper into his side. She didn't know how she had found him but she was going to hold forever.

 

 

**One year later**

 

“Dad, can I go hang out with Fred tonight after school?”

“I don't think so. School night kid. Homework, family time and then bed. Your mom has been working a lot this week and she's going to be home early tonight. I know that she'll want to spend some time with you.”

“But I can go this weekend?”

“I'll have to talk to your mom but I can't see why not.” As he spoke the door opened and Emma came in, kicking her boots off by the door. The spot was cluttered with Henry's coat, backpack, shoes, and Killlian's boots but for Emma it made her day to see it. “Guys, there's something in the mail from the courts. Want to open it with me?”

“In the kitchen love.” She entered the room, throwing her red leather jacket over the back of the couch, before moving over to the kitchen counter where Killian and Henry were at. Killian was standing with a towel thrown over his shoulder as he chopped lettuce and vegetables for a salad for dinner. Whenever she worked late on a case he made sure to have dinner either cooking or ready for her when she got him. The nights that he was late she did the same for him. Living together had come easily, and Henry was an easy addition. He fit into their lives as seamlessly as if they had never been without him. “So love what paperwork did you get today?” She quickly kissed Henry on the cheek before making her way over to press a kiss to Killian's lips. “I got the adoption papers. All signed, all legal.” A grin split his face as he looked to Henry. His face mirrored his fathers. “So he's ours again. Legally?”

“He's always been ours but yeah he's ours again legally.” Her heart nearly skipped a beat at the thought. The year hadn't been easy. There had been assessments and setbacks and a million moments where it seemed like no matter how they tried Henry would never be theirs. Now though it all was worth it because he was theirs and nothing could ever take him from them again. “I do have one other surprise for you boys.”

“Yeah, what's that love?” Despite his excitement Killian had turned back to the stove where he had water boiling to make spaghetti. His back was to her so she approached him from behind and waited for him to turn to look at her. When he did her eyes were shining so brightly that it was though she was a child waiting to open presents on Christmas morning. “In about seven months he's not going to be our only child.” His breathe caught in his throat and he ran his eyes over her, landing on her stomach. “You're pregnant?” The excitement finally reached his eyes as they both turned to look at Henry. “Did you hear that son? You're going to be a big brother.” Henry jumped off his stool and came over to them, putting an arm around each parent. “That's awesome. I can't wait to teach the new baby all sorts of stuff.”

“And we can't wait for you to teach them all sorts of stuff.” He left the room them, taking himself off to the living room to play video games for a few minutes before starting on his homework. Once they were alone in the kitchen Emma slipped her arms around Killian's waist while he went back to work on dinner. “So you're really excited?”

“Emma this is everything I've ever dreamed of. Not just another child with you, which is amazing, but being able to go through the pregnancy with you. To enjoy it like we weren't able to last time. But my question is are you sure this is what you want?”

“Yes. Absolutely. I know we didn't talk about getting pregnant again but when I found out that I was it was nothing like last time. We're adults now. We have a son already and we're settled. We're ready for this and I can't wait to do this with you.” He turned in her arms and drew her closer. “No fears?”

“Not one. I am so ready to experience everything we missed with Henry with you. I can't wait to have this baby and know that when everything is said and done that child is going to come back to me. I'll be able to count its fingers and toes, kiss it's soft skin. I love Henry and I am so glad that he's in our lives. I would have been happy if it had been just the three of us forever but somehow we got blessed to have another chance at the life that we missed out on. I am so grateful for that.” He leaned down and captured his lips with hers before using the pad of his thumb to wipe away the tears that had slid down her cheeks. It was a momentous occasion and it felt as though they had come full circle. As they set down to dinner that night Emma felt a peace come over her and she realized that it was the feeling of fully coming home. The past was a painful place but they had come through it to a life that was better than she ever dreamed possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last chapter. I totally lost my muse on this one so I hope that you enjoyed the wrap up. 
> 
>  
> 
> Feel free to leave any comments or questions, or just drop a quick hi. :)

**Author's Note:**

> Please review. I'm open to any constructive criticism. I hope you enjoy. :)


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